Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
You Might Also Like
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates