Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.