Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
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Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
More like Kate Missington.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.