@cynicanoldicus: Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I'll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.
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@LetMeStart: Son: How do you always know when we lie? It's like you're a psychic or a wizard or something. Me: The word you're looking for is "mother."
@mattgallo123: Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
@twylaredsun: Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: (my funeral) Spouse, crying: I'll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now. Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you're S: Oh ffs!