@cynicanoldicus: Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I'll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.
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@whostrevors: A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can't jump high enough to be in the "mid air" beach picture :(
@popespeed: i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase "really going to town" in sex scenes
@CulturedRuffian: For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
@Fred_Delicious: [gets found guilty of murder] [sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat] [appeals] [gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]