I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
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WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
congratulations to them
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.