My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
You Might Also Like
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.