Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
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You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Haha good job!!
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!