“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
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I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
how to market bottled water to dads
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately