“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
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[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?