@TheTweetOfGod: "Go down, Moses." And he did. And that's why the ladies loved him.
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@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She's always getting mad at me "There's a shark living in our pool" IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
@thatUPSdude: Me: This infomercial is so stupid. *10 mins later* Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?