@TheTweetOfGod: "Go down, Moses." And he did. And that's why the ladies loved him.
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@pleatedjeans: [Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. "dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT
@paigellwanger97: i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A's and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G
@Jarhead44: My ex just followed me on Twitter. That said: "Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary." *BLOCKED*