“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
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[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Pretty much. 🤣
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.