“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.