Go hard or stay average
You Might Also Like
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
This one’s “Alex”.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad