I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
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i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.