Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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It be like that sometimes 😆
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Found the job I’m suited for
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go