Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.