My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.