I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else