Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…