Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
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It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
when dads have a rap battle
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER