I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.