wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars