Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
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I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?