Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
lol
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!