Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Bed should get ready for ME
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens