Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Finally!
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.