Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Beauty and the Beast
Every haunted house movie:
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.