@lucidchemistry: Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they'll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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@mrtruthandsoul: Wife: We're going to Jessie's BBQ today. Me: She's the one with the big--- Wife: They're fake! Me: So? -liveTweeting from the DogHouse
@weenbeans: *rubs temples* security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
@runningmascara6: I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole..
@BradBroaddus: ME: I want to take long walks with you. HER: Aww...are you a romantic? ME: No, I don't have a car.