Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
WHY?!
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?