“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
🍛
There is no try. There is only give up.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My neck my back my allergy attack
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”