“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I bet birds love this building.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?