@Kyle_Lippert: Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying
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@daemonic3: [grocery shopping] "Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
@theshamingofjay: The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
@HappyHijabbi: *Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?
@NickFlora: The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.