@Kyle_Lippert: Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying
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@jsaffle1: Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me
@WienerToboggan: "honey, I can't wait to do missionary later!" *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
@Lisabug74: One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.
@Smug_Lemur: Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like "I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively."