Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes