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Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
The glory of fall.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.