Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?