Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins