I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
good for her
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.