goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
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my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me