goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil