This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Stop being racist to kettles.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.