It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
You Might Also Like
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.