I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
A classic…
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished