God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
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I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.