I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Mistakes were made
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
How can I say no to this ?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that