God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Optional boss fight.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Customize Your Wedding.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Nice try, NASA
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.