god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
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How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Watson was Holmes schooled
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.