god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
We cut our bangs at dawn.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.