God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
You Might Also Like
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
(Electricians.)
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?