God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.