God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
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if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Fights fire with marshmallows
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Called it
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Truth
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.