God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
You Might Also Like
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.