God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up