god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.