God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
.. do you even science?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR